you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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