Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
