will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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