Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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