Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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