Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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