I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
