even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
