when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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