So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
