I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
