life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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