I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
