Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i think i just lost a toe
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
