I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
