Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
