Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
