After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
