i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
