I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
