I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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