Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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