In America we eat man semen.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
