What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
