just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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