Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
