There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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