Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
