I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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