I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
