Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
