What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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