My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
