I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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