You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my phone needs a breathalizer
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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