please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
