He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize