I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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