went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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