My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
