You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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