I just pynch a tree in the face
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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