goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
