Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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