Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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