What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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