I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
