I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
