Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize