Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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