WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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