i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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