member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
