I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
