You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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