somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
