He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
