I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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